Be Calm, Drink Your Coffee, and Be Aware When Meeting New People.

"The same red flags you ignore in the beginning will be the same reasons it all ends." --unknown

Humans have this urge to form communities and we naturally seek others of like mind to be with. The problem is that since the beginning of time, there have been people who want to use others for their own gain. It is hard to tell sometimes if someone is being genuine or is a snake in the grass. I’m going to give you a few of my red flags that a person or group may not be who they say they are.

Please note just because someone checks off a box or two doesn’t mean that they are a bad person out to do you harm. This is just a guide, and you should always use your best judgment.

SOME COMMON RED FLAGS:

-Does the group use any deceptive recruitment techniques.

Ø `This is a hard one, but often it is a red flag to be invited to one thing and then have something else happen instead. This red flag is often used on marginalized, weak, young, or vulnerable people. By offering them the lure of something they seek and then forcing that person to sit through a lecture on why they need to join the group or have bad things happen a group like this is taking advantage of others to do their bidding.

Ø Examples of this are being offered a free hot meal and then being given a traumatizing sales pitch before you are allowed to eat. If you were not told that there would be a sales pitch or were told that it’s just fellowship and no strings attached to the meal, then they are using a deceptive recruitment technique.

- The Group or Person claims to have the only, best solution to all your problems or they are the one true way

Ø No one person holds the secret to the only true way to power or to eternal life. Exclusivity of Faith is a red flag, especially if it goes against everything you feel is moral and right.

Ø Under this heading are a bunch of smaller red flags that you should be aware of

~Since their way is so correct, you cannot read anything or study anything that is not of the group’s teaching. This includes working with other groups or just reading books for pleasure. Often the leaders will use the excuse that they don’t want you to become confused or tempted by heretical teachings. This controls whether you realize there are dissenting opinions or even warnings written about the group.

~The person you are speaking to or the group as a whole is in shambles despite the fact that they claim their teachings are the solution to all of life’s problems. We can all have a bad day and no person has all their ducks in a row, but take a look at the life of the person who claims they have it all together and the only way to be that way. This is an indicator of if they practice what they preach or are they running a con. It may be tiny red flags like they can’t afford basic necessities or major red flags like they are on the verge of being homeless and just losing custody of their kids. We all go through rough periods, but if they want to preach a lifestyle cure for all that ails you and they are living a life that looks the opposite of what they preach, it’s a red flag.

~ The Leader is considered a Prophet and/or is considered infallible. The odds of meeting a true divine prophet are very slim, but the odds of meeting a grifter or cult leader who claims to be a prophet is surprisingly high. If the person you meet does not allow their students to question them on anything and everything, they say is the word of whatever sacred spirit they claim to commune with or channel, you might have a red flag. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and to claim otherwise is delusional.

~The level of secrecy about the group’s teachings is incredibly high and the punishment for letting the outside world know what the group believes is severe.

Ø There are groups that have public material and material that is only for students of the group. That is common in many traditional groups. The idea being that there is a general level of material that the public can be privy to and may encourage outsiders to look into the group and there is material that is strictly oathbound to the group and you don’t get access to the materials until you have studied and have an understanding of that material. Oathbound materials are often practices and rituals that take extra training and skills to do properly.

Ø It, however, is a red flag if everything within the group is treated as some secret. If you must initiate or commit before you can attend a simple ritual or a study group, think twice about joining that group, especially if you don’t know anybody in the group very well.

Ø In the past and, in some cases even today, it was important to keep the names, meeting locations, and activities of a religious group secret. That is a valid reason to keep some information hushed up. If lives are endangered by becoming known members of a group because of opposing religious fanaticism, dangerous individuals who want to harm group members, or many other reasons that are no fault of the group, secrecy may be important.

Ø Also, find out what happens if someone slips the smallest amount of oathbound materials. Are they shunned by the group and kicked out? Do they suffer some psychical punishment? What happens if someone messes up by accident? The nature of how the group punishes infractions can be reassuring or a big red flag.

-A big red flag for me is how consent and personal boundaries are handled. I don’t like people touching me without asking first, and I won’t hug someone without asking first.

Ø If you are touched, even innocent touches on the shoulder, without getting consent first could be a red flag.

~ Look at how you feel after you are touched. Some people may touch like the back of a hand to get your attention when they are talking to you and mean no harm, but if they continue touching you after you ask them to stop, then that is a red flag.

~ How do you feel after you are briefly touched, even if you consented to the touch? If you don’t feel right after someone touches your arm, ask them to stop and if they continue you may want to consider it a red flag. They could be transferring some unwanted energy to you or draining your energy. Both are red flags.

~ If they touch you in any way that is uncomfortable or sexually unwanted, ask them to not touch you anymore. If they continue, remove yourself from the situation.

Ø Touching isn’t the only personal boundary you should be aware of. Many people have food allergies and intolerances, and if your food boundaries are not respected, it may be a red flag.

~ Always let the host know before a potluck, meal, or any situation involving food that you have intolerances and allergies if you have them. It is best to let them know when you accept the invitation so menu changes can be respected.

~ If there is a meal involved, confer with the host on what reasonable accommodations you would like made and offer to bring a dish to share that you can eat. I say reasonable because you shouldn’t expect a group to re-do their traditional menu because you have an allergy. Be prepared to bring your own meal with some to share if that is a concern or be prepared to abstain. It may not be a red flag, but it may signal that this isn’t a group you can work with.

~ Also, let the host know if you do not drink, if there will be alcohol at the event. This may, again, be more of a sign that this isn’t the group for you more than a red flag.

Ø Speaking of food issues, it is a red flag is the leader of the group restricts food from members or strictly controls when, where, how much, and what they can eat. If the group is only allowed to eat enough to keep them alive. You might think of it as a red flag.

- If the group is actively involved in any illegal activities, or the leader encourages the members to participate in illegal activities, there is a red flag waving in your face.

Ø I’m not talking about things like reading tarot cards in a state with blue laws forbidding divination.

Ø If the groups do any number of activities under the encouragement of the group’s leader or the leader knows of members being involved in illegal activities and doesn’t make the member stop or leave the group, consider it a red flag and will be in your best interest to avoid said group.

Ø This includes activities such as:

§ Selling, buying, or using illicit substances

§ Stealing and selling stolen goods

§ Prostitution

§ Fraud

§ Murder

In summary, when meeting with a new group or just a new person trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable about anything, consider it a red flag. If it was a minor, one time thing like a missed social cue, you should be ok but always have a way out. If you feel majorly uncomfortable, walk away, and don’t go back. It is always better to be safe than sorry. If possible, bring a trusted friend and listen to their thoughts on the meeting. You never have to settle with the first person or group you meet.